This is me after few days at home.
I posted this on my Facebook wall and immediately received tons of comments from my friends on how thin I looked. Yeah, the last time I was in this shape was probably more than 12 years ago! I'm happy with the weight I lost, but I was actually hoping that it was not this way. I lost a total of 7.5 kg so far within a month. My doctor said that what I lost was a lot of muscles mass and a bit of fat so when I'm back to normal and worked out all my muscles again, I would definitely gained back the muscle weight. Just try not to gain back the fat as well, she said... Another downside is, I probably have to go out and buy some new pants. Some of the ones I have are getting a bit too loose... (Sorry, I just don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm bragging... haha!)
I also have a very dedicated nurse at home. Zarina was running a tight ship when it comes to my medications, diet, supplements and other daily routines. She was a professional accountant before so you should expect this level of organization. I failed my compliance audit a few times though...
Despite having to make some adjustments and having to take a few backwards steps in recovering at home, I can almost feel that the recovery process is now on the positive side again. More family time, more laughter, more good food, more tender loving care. It so happened that my kids are still on their school holiday so they have been a great help in me adapting to the living condition at home.
It took a while to get used to everything. I have to admit that before this, I never really appreciate how my mother-in-law struggles to move about in the house. She's a bit elderly and also suffering from Parkinson's Disease. She's also been having problems with her knees and back. I now had an opportunity to have a first-hand experience on how it is a challenge for her to live day by day and going about doing what otherwise would have been a normal and simple routine. I even had to borrow her walking frame and wheelchair. I also realized that in my case, no matter how bad my condition is at the moment, I can still hope that I would be better in the foreseeable future - but not in her case.
We many times 'scolded' her for wanting to do everything herself and not asking for help from others but in the end she ended up making a mess and created more work for others. A few times when she refused to use her walking frame she ended up falling and hurting herself. Even when she insisted on carrying her own plate to the kitchen, she ended up dropping the plate and making a mess on the kitchen floor. Little that I realized that she just wanted to be independent. All her life she was the one providing for the family and dedicating her life in 'serving' others. She's never used to being dependent on others let alone feeling like she's a burden on them. Why she insisted on doing everything is in her nature. In my case, I might enjoy the extra bit of attention and assistance from others because I know that I will only need that for this short period of time during my recovery but in her case it's different. For every single thing that she used to do herself, but now having had to depend on others; she might never ever get that independence back. Once she let go it will be gone forever. I understood that now. She was just clinging to the very last hope and opportunity to be herself, to attend to herself and not be a burden to others.
I remembered the PETRONAS' Hari Raya commercial in 2006 and may this be a quick reminder to us all who still have our parents under our care. I lost both my parents quite a while ago. How I wish that I could still do every bit I can to repay their kindness, dedication and hardwork in bringing me up and making me the person I am today. Now that they're gone, I can only give them the gift of doa and Al-fatihah and at the same time strive to be the best human being so that they would be rewarded in the hereafter, insya'allah...
Another humbling experience was when I had to go to the Pejabat Pendaftaran in Putrajaya to apply for my replacement IC. We had done the application online via "MyEG" and we were only supposed to go there for me to pickup the IC in person. One of my nephews volunteered to drive us there which was quite a relieve as Zarina would have had difficulty handling me all by herself. This will also be my first experience going out to a public place as a "less-abled" person (or in the Bahasa Malaysia term, OKU i.e. Orang Kurang Upaya). I would have imagined that a new and modern buildings like the ones in Putrajaya would have had incorporated the latest architectural design and would certainly be disabled-friendly but unfortunately and sadly, not so.
Our first impression was actually good as we found out that they have a wheelchair ramp access at the main entrance of the building. But that day was also the day when the cleaners decided to wet-clean the carpets and guess what? They used the railing of the wheelchair ramp as a place to hang the carpet to dry! Somehow they managed to turn the facade of a multi-million ringgit building into a low cost flat.
There was no sign for disabled access anywhere so we had to look around and then asked one of the staffs who pointed us to the direction of a lift - which later we found out, was not the right one as we ended up having to walk a long way round to the other side to take yet another lift after that one. I also found a design flaw in the floor level where there must have been a mismatch spotted only after the civil and structural work has been completed. The difference in finishing level between the floor and the lift area caused the lift to have its own raised "platform" and hence a 2 inches kerb to get onto the platform. It's a challenge for Zarina to push me up and I'm sure no less-abled person can do it if they are by themselves on a wheelchair.
There seems like more to be done for the building to really be disabled-friendly. Perhaps whoever who was supposed to accept the building handover from Contractor should have put him/herself in a wheelchair and see whether he/she can actually get around the building without significant help from others and then make the necessary adjustment accordingly.
Anyway, as far as the recovery is concern, having been at home everything seems to be going on so well in all aspects. But then again, the drama continues...
It was my 5th day at home after returning from the hospital when it started. Another peculiar pain but this one was even more peculiar than the previous ones. I can only define it as muscle spasm. And quite a severe one too.
Every time I made some movement, at some unpredictable position in the middle of the movement, it will just hit me. I'm well trained by now by the doctors and nurses to give a pain scale of 1 to 10 for every time they want to assess my condition. Generally, '0' is no pain. 1 to 3 is mild pain; somewhat nagging or annoying and interferes a little with your daily routine. 4 to 6 would be moderate and defined as significantly affecting your daily lives. 7-10 would be severe, disabling and stopping you from your daily routines. My sciatica pain would be a 3, my recovery pain would be a 5 but my '5 am' pain was a 9. But they gradually move up and down the scale throughout the day and is very much dependent on the level and type of activities I had. Meaning to say, I can control them and bring them to below 2, by adjusting my position or movement or by using some pain relieving methods. By now I'm quite a 'Subject Matter Expert' on pain management techniques.
However, this one is a definite 10.
Picture this; I would be lying on my back and trying to get out of bed. Just like my physio taught me, first fold both of my knees, then rotate the entire body to lie on my side, then lower my feet to the floor. Next I will simultaneously push my body up with my elbow or hands so that I would be seated at the edge of the bed. At half way through this movement when I was leaning at 45 degrees, the pain would just shoot in - ZAAPPPP!!! Literally from 0 to 10 in half a second! A strong pull on my lumbar muscles and sometimes on my lower back and it kept on like that for a whole 5 seconds! I would be screaming in pain and then after 5 seconds it will just stopped. Just like that, and left me breathless and panting. The pain did subside but the memory of it lingered on for a while. Within the 5 seconds, I would be stunned, not knowing whether to lie down again or keep trying to get up - whichever way, I would still be in the '10' region. That happens a few times a day and always at the unexpected moment.
I was now scared to even move. I would be awaken at night screaming in pain when I must have moved my legs about in my sleep. Coughing or sneezing would just throw me into a fit! It was getting worse and worse by the day and my recovery progress was rapidly making a 'U' Turn. Due to my constrained movement, I was also developing pain on my elbows and shoulders because I was putting too much weight on my hands with the elbow crutches instead of my legs. Everything the physio taught me went down the drain and I was at best, just getting by in moving around. I was really looking forward to see Dr. Jag when he gets back from his holiday. I'm sure he will be able to fix this, as always. Only with some simple medication, I hope...
My original plan of capturing the New Year's firework display with my new camera and lens did not materialize this year. Instead I was just watching TV at home in bed as the fireworks were lighting up the bright sky of Putrajaya. I made a mental note of a few new year resolutions and one of it is to take care of myself more than before. I didn't regret what happened. In fact, I was rather contented. I strongly held on to my believe that everything happened for a reason and what happened to me was due to a few reasons. I promise myself to fix what I can fix and at the same time, sincerely accept what I cannot fix. All in all, I know this experience have made me somewhat a better person.
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